Four People Who Failed Their Watcher Training
by Beer Good
Summary: After the events of "Chosen", the gang needs to hire some new Watchers to help take care of all the new Slayers. Here are four who failed their training, and one who didn't. Farscape, Top Gear, Scrubs, How I Met Your Mother, and Dexter crossover.


**Title:** Four People Who Failed Their Watcher Training (And One Who Didn't)  
><strong>Author: <strong>Beer Good  
><strong>Fandoms:<strong> BtVS/Farscape; Top Gear; Scrubs; How I Met Your Mother; Dexter  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 5x200  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Character undeath; doppelgangercest; foul language  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> This is strictly for fun/parody purposes and no money has or ever will change hands.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> After the events of "Chosen", obviously the gang needs to hire some new Watchers to help take care of all the new Slayers. Some work out. Most... don't.

**Using Force** (Farscape)

Eventually they sent in the heavy artillery to talk to Andrew about the new Watcher-in-training. The heavy artillery being Spike.

"Look, Andrew... I know you mean the best for the girls, and I know what it's like to wish something were true. But you have to face that this bloke isn't who you think he is."

Inside the meeting room behind them, they could hear the object of their discussion handing out orders to a group of Slayers, and the groans and protests that followed.

Andrew swallowed. "I-I knew it was too good to be true, but he looked so much like him... Why is life never fair, Spike?"

"Sometimes it is." Spike put a supportive hand on Andrew's shoulder. "I promise. This just isn't one of those times."

"No. He's... really not Yoda, is he?"

They heard the Watcher-in-training repeat his request, and one of the Slayers apparently had enough.

_"Unhand me, wench! I am your better! I- No! Woah! WOOOOOOAH!"_

There was a punting noise, and Rygel XVI came flying out the door to the meeting room, farting helium all the way.

"Search your feelings, Andrew," Spike said in a high-pitched squeak. "You know it to be true."

* * *

><p><strong>Ambitious But Rubbish<strong> (Top Gear)

The Watcher-in-training held up his hands defensively. "Now, before you get your knickers in a - "

Buffy's look shut him up. "You were hired because you said you knew about surviving and fighting evil..."

"We beat the Germans fair and square."

"... _not_ to pimp the bus."

"But just imagine: there's a nest of vampires in Detroit, you need to get there immediately, so you get in the new and improved bus and VOOM. What could possibly go wrong?"

Buffy looked at the former Sunnydale school bus, which now resembled a 60-foot jet-engine-powered boat holding two persons, tops. "You're _so_ fired, Clarkson."

"Now, before you make any rash decisions, let's see how it performs. For that, we need a test driver." A man in a white racing suit and helmet stepped out behind Jeremy. "Some say he cannot cross running water, and that if you drop a bag of seeds, he has to stop and count them. All we know is - "

" - He's wearing a sunproof suit." Buffy flipped up the helmet's visor, and the Stig promptly dusted. "Thought so."

"Oh dear." Jeremy stared at the pile of ashes. "The BBC said they'd have me killed if I lost another one."

* * *

><p><strong>Bavarian Fire Department<strong> (Scrubs)

"Everybody to the bus! NOW! This is NOT a drill, people!" Kennedy loved drills. Have the Slayers get out of bed in the middle of the night, get dressed ("MOVE MOVE MOVE!"), grab their weapons, sprint down the hall -

"Wooooooah!" "Look out!" "What the - " "Fuuuuuu-" The pile of Slayers slid in a most disorderly fashion across the newly waxed floor and piled up against the far wall. "Ow."

The new Watcher-in-training stepped out of the shadows, mop in hand. "Didn't you see the WET FLOOR sign?"

"What sign?" Kennedy looked around the pitch-dark hallway. "Did you remove all the lightbulbs?"

"...Maybe."

"That's it." Kennedy snatched the mop away from him. "I don't care if Buffy thinks we might need that squirrel army you say you have, I'm marching to Personnel and ripping up your file right now."

"Really."

"Oh yeah."

"Right. I know a bureaucrat when I see one, and I'm willing to bet young Miss Summers has filed everything alphabetically by name. What's my name?"

Kennedy just stared at him.

"Thought not. Now, if you don't mind, I have to clean this mess up. Thank _you_." The Janitor took his mop back and started polishing the floor again.

* * *

><p><strong>That Chick Knows What I Like<strong> (HIMYM)

"Wow." Willow collapsed onto her pillow, then reached out and tenderly brushed a strand of hair from the Watcher-in-training's sweaty face. "You're sure you're not a vampire?"

"If you're sure you're not a stripper," Lily Aldrin panted, tracing a finger up Willow's jawline. "Professionally, I mean."

They lay in bed, slowly relaxing and trying to find a way of looking at and touching themse... uh, each other that didn't feel weird. "So... now what?" Willow asked after counting freckles for a while.

"I don't know. I always wanted to try this, and it was great and all, but..."

"But But has a name?"

"Marshall."

"Which I'm guessing isn't short for Marsha."

Lily shook her head.

"Oh. Well... I think we might be in ruley exception land here. And this was totally a one-off thing, I'm sure we can work together e-even if we can't seem to..."

"Hang on, I _really_ gotta check something." Lily dove under the covers to see if _that_ thing did the same thing for Willow as it did for her. (It did, to a disturbing degree of similarity.)

Darnit. School teachers make such good Watchers, too.

* * *

><p><strong>Effing The Ineffable<strong> (Dexter)

Buffy took in the scene in the training room with dawning horror. "What happened?"

"Dode of your busidess, B." Faith lay on the couch, pale with shock and nursing a severe nosebleed.

Dawn ignored Faith's death glare. "It was the new Watcher-in-training, Morgan. Faith said something less than flattering about cops, and she let Faith have it."

Buffy regarded Faith, who looked utterly traumatised. "Please tell me Morgan's still alive."

"I didet touch her," Faith muttered.

"Lucky for her. What the hell was she thinking, punching Faith?"

"Oh, she didn't," Dawn laughed. "She just... found Faith's Achilles heel."

"That beads weak spot, B."

"I know what it means. How?"

Dawn yelled "DEB?"

"Fuck d'you want?" Deborah Morgan poked her head around the door.

"Tell Buffy what you told Faith."

"I just called her a ..." There's really no reason to repeat every R-rated invective Deb used; suffice to say that it took her about two minutes to run through the list. "...and told her to fucking stop fucking wasting my fucking time. Then she blushed so hard her nose bled and passed the fuck out." _Thud._ "Like she did just now."

"Uh-huh." Buffy nodded to Dawn. "She's hired."


End file.
